Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
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ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you