[commercial for IKEA]
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[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
why no one uses midhusbands
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.