@jjhartinger

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

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@UnFitz

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

@plsfindmeagf

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

@Amusitr0n

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

@liljonlovitz

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

@kelkulus

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

@notacroc

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

@Thynebear

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

@starrysappho

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*