[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
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What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread