still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
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‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks