Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
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I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Meme Monday.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.