they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
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the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Lol.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Terribly Tuesday.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
good morning
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”