I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
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My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
They’re not wrong
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.