Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
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Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Pickled cat.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.