I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
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How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?