[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
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the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce