Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
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Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Same post same
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.