The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
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I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry