I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
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that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.