When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
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I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”