I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
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Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
this is what they would have looked like, though
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Never forget.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.