Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
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I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Matt Goss
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.