@donni

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

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@o__0Dev

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

@jesseltaylor

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

@DrunksWithGuns

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

@iwearaonesie

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

@PajamaBen_

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

@CornOnTheGoblin

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

@JohnHilsen

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

@xLiserx

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

@bobvulfov

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift