Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable