me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
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Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss