JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Autocorrect is my menesis
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?