Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
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Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
lol
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side