*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
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[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
i really liked this one
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*