Alexa; make it look like an accident
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LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Finally, a door that understands me
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
i want to work in this restaurant
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?