“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
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I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
A short story of betrayal:
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.