first you must answer his riddles
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“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.