Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
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8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.