“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
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If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds