Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
You Might Also Like
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
$4 #usedbooks
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.