@illuminatedwndr

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

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@ChefRonSullivan

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

@SCbchbum

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

@Tmoney68

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.

@awordforaword

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

@slimmy_shady

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

@heymonroe

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

@MattMcGruff

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

@Lynseyjo1

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom