The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
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” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
translated into Canadian
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
President The Rock Obama
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad