explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
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People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.