The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
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Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”