ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
You Might Also Like
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
When I snag the last meatball.
The honesty is refreshing
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
This rocks
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.