Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
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Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?