@BradBroaddus The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
@murrman5 HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
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@BradBroaddus 
@iwearaonesie “Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
@weinerdog4life Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
@gerryhallcomedy There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
@GrantTanaka *pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
@jonnysun [puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
@ElgatoEsmio [holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
@aveuaskew You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
@noog Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
@Reverend_Scott [Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.