HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
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i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?