Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
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RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Why is no one talking about this?!
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.