Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
catch me on valentine’s day like
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids