It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
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“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
True.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums