Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
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As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
this is what they would have looked like, though
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Is….Is this an option?
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore