How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
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Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
There is no try. There is only give up.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you