Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
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[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
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I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.