Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
You Might Also Like
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I saw nothing
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods