Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
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*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
going to the ER y’all need anything
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
.. do you even science?
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.