JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
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Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
This is a true ally.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!