It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
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*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
This why you should mind your business
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators