I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
You Might Also Like
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts