I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
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[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
The first matador