@JohnLyonTweets

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

You Might Also Like

@mattgallo123

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

@Gupton68

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

@AlexvanBeek

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

@BoomBoomBetty

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

@ericsshadow

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

@GingerHotDish

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

@PetrickSara

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

@MoistPork

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

@WheelTod

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.