This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
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“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
choose your fighter
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.