“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
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Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
That’s incredible! 👌
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
There are no pants in heaven.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?