What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
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[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
buying dead houseplants to save time
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
LOOOOOOL
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no